Happy New Year!

 And another year passes by.. 

Exactly one year since I last posted something here. And what has the 365 days been all about? 

Uncertainties in the beginning, those times I thought how great it would be if I could fast forward to the future to see where I will land after the safety zone of school. From boards to a packed 3 month preparation time to tears before exam, during preps and after exams, worries and gloom.. 

It still feels like the bright life I had is distant or has dimmed the path. 

And on my 18th birthday, on October 27th , after much apprehension and depression and excitement  ,I GOT IN! 

I got into an IISER!! 

Ever felt how it was like to cry of happiness? I did then. 

I felt giddy. My biggest dream had come true!! I knew I chose a difficult path. I know I'm in for a lot. 

But in spite of all warnings and doubts,for 2 years, I kept my passion in tact. I didn't prepare for this rigorously or attend a coaching from morning to night. 

I didn't read many science fictions. 

But my wish was the same. 

2021 for me was about the changes I had to face. From the safety of school , the routine of comfort to a whole new wilderness where I have to take care of myself. 

I've regretted my decisions many a time. I've cursed myself when I couldn't find my voice in meetings or classes. I've been depressed when after 12 years of my school life, for a discussion, my hands shiver before sending a message in whatsApp groups. 

I could manage formal speeches but I'm a total loser in believing in myself. And every year, I pledge to be confident and each time, I step down the ladder. Let alone being proud of myself, I constantly ask myself to shut up. 

My days have gone from bright sunny days to a cloudy dark world. 

Maybe it's the realization that being an adult means getting rid of many luxuries of the life you used to enjoy or knowing you should speak for yourself, stand up and raise your head to face this world. 

Maybe it's the feel of carefree joy you miss or works that were done easy or not knowing how tomorrow is going to be and not caring. 

Maybe the future that was a question mark was too high for me to see.!! 

But yes, amidst all the difficult choices ,here I stay rooted. I have options to withdraw to my comfort zone, to a safer future, to home but I choose to go on, move forward, even if that means learning to say goodbyes and not getting to say hellos properly, about meeting people and greeting discomfort, about being INDEPENDENT. 

And Do you know what 2021 has taught me? 

To let go while holding on tight(As paradoxical as it is), to go on with life.... 

For a couple of years now, we have been moving from exclamations of hope and prayer to question marks of future. 

Let 2022 begin with the echoes of hope and end with the high pitched tunes of prosperity. 

As 2021 ends, 

All I know is that it has taught me to believe and trust all of it will be the worth the fight in the end. 

And that there's a better version of me that awaits after a little bit more beating into shape and tarnishing and polishing the crude ends. 

May 2022 bring all the happiness into our lives!!